How to spam your own inbox with amateur porn

One afternoon, in the throes of caffeinated boredom, an idea for a joke Craigslist post hit me in a flash.

“Are you better than my dildo?” would be the title.

It was a sweet little list of things that a real boyfriend could do, like bring home dinner, call me in the afternoon just to say hello, go to the movies, share a dessert, that sort of thing. I published it WITHOUT A SINGLE THOUGHT about the consequences of such an action.

The next morning, as habit, I checked my inbox while munching a bowl of cereal.

There were 183 responses.

spam - pt 1

To be fair: A few of them were sincere, gentlemanly replies by guys who understood the message and offered me conventional introductions and dates.

The vast majority seemed to have lost the capacity for critical thought as soon as they saw the word ‘dildo’ in the title. They wrote explicit details as to how they were just like a dildo, only better. “Oh, can your dildo _____________________? Because I totally can. I can rock you all night, baby.” This only seemed to prove they weren’t at all better than a dildo. I’ve seen dildos more nuanced on the internet.

Dozens of responses also included pictures of X-rated selfies, full mast. I can safely say that day will go down in history as the Day I’ve Never Seen So Many Penises At Once In All My Life. And I didn’t even finish going through my email.

spam - pt 2 w cat

That afternoon after class,  I returned home to find 60 more replies to the Craigslist post.

By day 3, they were still trickling in. By this time, I would sample a few replies for kicks, then delete the batch. But I remember vividly the last reply I opened.

He wrote like a nice enough fella. He asked me to look at his photos to see if I was interested. They were of a somewhat doughy, middle-aged man with a clownish mop of curly hair, naked except for a pair of shiny red ladies’ underpants, bent over a bed in a submissive pose.

I did briefly admire his moxie before deleting the lot.

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